Who Shot Eric Cartman? pt 1
by otherrealmwriter
Summary: A parody of Who Shot Mr.Burns. Cartoon charcthers and a few OCs are in a police roundup on who committed attempted murder! send me your guesses! I'll keep you guessing...
1. suspects

I don't own any of the characters okay? The OC's I do though

Eric Cartman becomes a wealthy business owner and he ends up buying Harrisburg University. This upsets the town very much. Oil is found below Linglestown Middle School but it is usurped. This story is a parody of "Who shot Mr. Burns?"

Suspects in the case:

Butters: Cartman's assistant who ended up getting fired who has a crush on Cartman.

Eddy Skipper: Bar owner who was ruined by Cartman's oil well.

Professor Eddward Maryann: Funding was cut from his pharmaceutical research.

Professor Dib S. Membrane: Cartman couldn't remember his name, called Membrane jr. Paranormal funding cut.

Professor T.J. Membrane (Dib's Dad) His retirement home and collection of Crack Whore magazine was ruined by a sinkhole caused by the oil well.

Suzee M. Membrane. Cartman's heiress for a brief time and the will was never changed. Her left wrist was broken in the opening of the oil well.

Dean Skinner (Formally Principal Skinner) Cartman usurped the University from him.

Dusty Fowkes lost Eddy's bar, simple as that

Langdon H. Membrane: School's paranormal department canceled due to lack of funds.

Bill (Career Day Invader Zim) lost job as paranormal elective teacher.

**Well who done it? You'll have to read and see! I want to know your guesses and such all along the way! You'll be pleasantly surprised I think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	2. Oil and greed

I don't own any of the non-OC characters okay?

"Ahhh! The fresh smell of a middle school before the day begins!" Principal Goodvibes, principal of Linglestown Jr. High School said as he walked in. He sniffed around and noticed a smell. "This place doesn't normally smell so rank." Goodvibes said then sniffed himself. "Shower fresh"

Principal Goodvibes looked around. He couldn't notice where the smell was coming from. He was at the door, near the office. The smell wasn't that strong. Principal Goodvibes started to smell around to where to stench of Death was the strongest. It led him to Room 331- the sixth grade science classroom.

"Now who left their lunch in- oh my word!" Principal Goodvibes yelled at the sight of a gerbil crushed by a water bottle. "Superdude! Crushed by your own water bottle!" Principal Goodvibes took a box a potato plant in a jar experiment was sitting in and put Superdude in it. Then he looked for Groundskeeper Willy.

"Uhh... Willy over the weekend, the grade 6 science gerbil, Superdude lost his life. I want you to give him a proper burial." Principal Goodvibes said to Willy as he laughed at a joke in My Weekly Reader that was for fourth graders.

"Fine Principal Goodvase." Willy said putting down the magazine.

"That's Good_vibes_!" Principal Goodvibes said.

School started soon later and the science teacher, Mr. Elliot was spraying air freshener where Supedude's cage was.

"What's that smell?" Lenore, a girl in Langdon Membrane's science class said.

"Smells like one of Membrane's!" Jhonen, another classmate of Langdon's said. He was the most influential kid in the class.

"It does not!" Langdon Membrane, Dib Membrane's son with pointy orange hair and glasses and a big head, said back.

Meanwhile Willy was digging a grave for Superdude in the patch of dirt in the school crawl space. "Ye're lucky ye're getting a descent burial. Me own father was thrown in the bog!" Groundskeeper Willy said. " What in the name of Saint Ephsriocrotes?" He said as his shovel became covered in oil. Then the pressure caused an eruption that went through the school.

"Teacher the floor is shaking!" An 8th grader in Suzee Membrane's, Langdon's older sister with long black hair with a section that pointed back and amber eyes, history class named Ralph said.

"Ralph remember the time you-" Mr. Campanga started as the oil exploded through the class

"This isn't good..." Principal Goodvibes said as he was told of the explosion. Apparently, Superintendent Chalmers heard of it too and went to yell at Goodvibes.

"How come when I heard the words 'school' and 'exploded' I thought of –Goodvibes!" Chalmers asked.

"I uhh..." Principal Goodvibes said. The conversation got awkward but to break it an oil technician came up. " Congratulations men! Your custodian struck oil! You're standing on the richest middle school on the East Coast!" Oil was a valuable commodity, but most cars ran on ethanol by the time Suzee was born. "We also found this." He said giving Goodvibes an oil soaked gerbil.

"Superdude." He sobbed chucking the gerbil away.

_Harrisburg University..._

Eric Cartman and his assistant Butters had bought out Harrisburg University. Cartman was at a meeting. "Before we adjourn men, I have a matter of the utmost importance. I need this letter with the profit projections to go to Pete Porter in Pasadena and it has to get there overnight!" "Pete Porter Pasadena" "Pasadena pass it on." two of Cartman's yes men said as they received the letter and gave it to Butters.

"Package to parcel processing pronto!" Butters said to Dean Skinner, who used to be Principal Skinner.

"I'm dean of this school, not parcel processing!" Skinner said. Butters then took his stapler like a gun and shoot staples at him and said, " Take that!"

"Please don't waste those. I hate Cartman! The University was to be mine, but Cartman bought it out with the money he got when Burns died, making my job useless! I'm just a little figure with no influence!" Skinner yelled but Butters had left the letter there. Skinner walked by Professor Dib who was talking to Professor Eddward.

"Cartman cut pharmaceutical research and gave it to the engineering department! I was this close to discovering the cure for the common cold!" DD said with his fingers an inch apart.

"He did the same thing with the paranormal department." Dib said.

"Mmmmhmmm" DD said politely, he had little interest in the paranormal. Skinner placed the letter in front of Dib. Dib only saw the return address and mistook it for the main addressee. He ran to Cartman's office and said," Here's your parcel Mr. Cartman sir!"

"My name is the return address you dumbass! Butters who is this freak?!" Cartman asked.

_I've been teaching at this University for 15 years! I defeated the Irken Empire and Cartman still doesn't know my name! That'll change right now! _Dib thought then said as Cartman unleashed a booby trap, " My name is Professor Dib S. Mem-ow!" Dib was hit with a 1000-gram weight.

"Hmmmmm. Sounded big when I ordered it. I can't make heads or tails of these metric booby traps." Cartman sighed.


	3. Suggestions

I only own the OCs okay?

News of the oil well at Linglestown Jr. spread like wildfire through the town of Harrisburg. The Newspaper picked up the story and ran with it on the front page. The story was assigned to Rita Alisa of the Harrisburg Shopper and headlined it Awful School is Awful Rich. It was the most talked about story for over 50 years. (A/N after the incident at Three Mile Island. Some of this story ties into real events, mainly historical and scenic references)

That day at the University fitness center, Butters was cycling a tandem fitness bike while Cartman read the paper with the Awful School is Awful Rich headlined story and ate a bag of Cheesy Poofs. " A Non-profit organization with oil! It's ridicules! I won't stand for it!" Cartman said in a mouthful of Cheesy Poofs.

"Are... you... done... exercising yet... sir?" Butters asked hyperventilating. He was doing all the work.

"No. Let's go another 20 miles." Cartman said getting off the tandem and playing pinball.

Butters finished cycling for Cartman and they went for the elevator where they met up with Dib, DD, a paranormal student named Luna, and Professor Dora of the Spanish department. " Good afternoon DD, Luna, Dora uhhh..." Cartman said when he got to Dib. Fortunately for him, the elevator door opened to Butter and Cartman's floor.

"Don't feel bad Professor Dib." Luna said sweetly. " He's always forgetting names." (A/N Luna is an OC based on Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter)

"Yeah Cartman thought my son Diego was my son Francisco. Can you believe that?!" Dora laughed.

"Thanks for trying guys." Dib said depressed as he walked to his Mercedes-Benz depressed.

Linglestown Jr. High 

Chalmers smoked a cigar in triumph. This oil was a great boost. Principal Goodvibes was in his chair reading the paper. "Superintendent we made the front page!" he said turning the paper covering the 'Awful' part of the Awful School is Awful Rich headline.

"What's that under your hand?" Chalmers asked suspiciously.

"Oh an unrelated article." Goodvibes lied.

"An unrelated article?" Chalmers repeated.

"Yes!" Goodvibes lied.

"In the banner headline?" Chalmers asked again.

"Yes. Now to redirect our conversation slightly, I believe we need to draw up the budget for the oil money." Goodvibes said.

"We could give each child a full college scholarship." Chalmers laughed sarcastically. Goodvibes laughed too. "Oh only Suzee and Langdon have hope."

"Seriously, I believe the students and facility have a few suggestions." Principal Goodvibes said.

The first with a suggestion was Groundskeeper Willy. " I want a fine crystal bucket for my slop water-oh and a brand new filthy blanket!"

"Okay" Goodvibes said writing the request and stamping the "Approved" stamp on it. Next was Kenny McCormick. He was the school's head cafeteria worker. " The cafeteria staff are complain about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff." he said in a muffled voice. Goodvibes wrote the request and approved it. Next up was Langdon Membrane.

"Hello Principal Goodvibes. I'd like to start a Paranormal Investigation Department. I have a really nice instructor lined up." Langdon said opening the door. Bill walked in.

"Hello I'm paranormal investigator Bill." Bill said showing his badge.

"Yeah he's ready to give up investigating the paranormal and to settle into a nice teaching career teaching a new generation of Paranormal Investigators!" Langdon said.

"It would be my pleasure. Langdon has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to the paranormal as he is!" Bill said as Goodvibes approved the request.

"Yeah let's go." Langdon said shuffling him out.

Other requests came in like chocolate microscopes by Ralph, Double Guitars by the bus driver Kevin and more rubber stamps by Principal Goodvibes. As Goodvibes was packing for the day, a voice came over the intercom. "Principal Goodvibes this is your secretary. There is one last request." It was Butters.

"That's odd. I don't have a secretary or an intercom. Oh well. Send him in."

"Hello Principal Good-you're-an-idiot." Eric Cartman said dressed as Suzee Membrane.

"That's Good_vibes_" Principal Goodvibes corrected him.

"Anyway me and my eighth grade girlfriends think it swell if you signed your oil well to Eric Cartman. He's the greatest." Cartman said hoping to trick Goodvibes.

"Cartman." at this Cartman gasped he thought he had a foolproof disguise. " I find it hard to believe that I could mistake one of Harrisburg's most ummm... _prominent_ men as Suzee Membrane." Goodvibes said referring to Cartman's weight which looked silly in a skirt."

"I need that oil well! I have a monopoly to maintain! I own the waterworks and the electric company! Plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue." Cartman yelled. "Whatever! Whatever! I do what I want!"

"That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's _**pathetic!**_ The school's oil well is not for sale!" Goodvibes said disdainfully.

"Then I'll just have to attack you!" Cartman said trying to slap Goodvibes but was too morbidly obese. "Butters help me take this guy down!" He ran in with a stapler pointed out to shoot staples. " Sorry sir this is the best I can do. Take that!"

" Please don't waste those." Goodvibes said as Butters and Cartman looked crestfallen.

"Awwww hamburgers." Butters said depressed.


	4. Tacos and Pictures

I do not own the non-OC characters okay?

"I'm happy for the school. This money sounds like it'll do a lot of good," Serena, Dib's wife with long red hair said at dinner that night.

"Big deal. They wouldn't approve my request. They said it was 'Unfeasible.'" Suzee whined.

"It is unfeasible to raise the dead Suzee. And even if Sid Vicious was alive I doubt he'd want to hang around with you." Langdon said.

"Well I guess yeah." Suzee sighed.

"I hate my job. What's the point when your boss can't remember your name, only calls you by your dad's name? I'm not Membrane jr.!" Dib moaned.

"I've got an idea!" Serena said. Dib looked up and smiled at Serena. He really wanted Cartman to remember his name. It drove him mad knowing the fattest man on the continent couldn't remember the name of the man who single handedly defeated the Irken Empire. If the truth were told, he only won because they lost their snacks.

"What is it?!" Dib asked happily.

"Well when my father was trying to catch my mother's eye, he sent her a bento box of sushi with his photo in it. After that she never forgot him." Serena said.

"That's all well and good, but it's not exactly your idea is it Serene?" Dib said haughtily.

Meanwhile Cartman was looking on the construction site of the Linglestown Jr. High oil well. He had a superior attitude. " That's it keep building but that will be a monument to futility once I'm done!" Cartman sniggered. Butters just looked on struggling with himself. He knew he had to say something.

"I know this violates every obedient nerve in my body, but I wish you'd reconsider. This isn't a rival company you're battling with, it's a school. People won't stand for it!" Butters said. "There'll be heck to pay! Heck to pay if you continue mister!"

"Whatever whatever! I do what I want! It'll be like taking a taco from a robot dog like GIR." Cartman said as he noticed in his binoculars GIR in a sandbox eating a taco. "That sounds like fun. Let's try it right now."

"Ummm... there's some tacos right here sir! We could eat these instead of stealing." Butters pleaded.

Cartman took the first taco and saw the first member of the Membrane family. It was Suzee in a rare moment of her behaving herself. "Oh that's little Suzannah Membrane. She was my heiress for a brief period you know." Cartman said in a mouthful of Krazy Taco's Total Taco Platter.

"Yes sir. I remember." Butters said taking a spicy chicken taco from the platter. "Look it's GIR Membrane." Dib adopted GIR after Suzee pleaded him to do it after he defeated the Irken Empire.

"Oh their adoptive robot dog." Cartman said. " He found my precious Atriums Clyde Frog." Then Cartman took a steak taco supreme with extra muy caliente sauce on it. "Oh that's the Membrane alien mutt Stitch! He was my former guard dog." Cartman said. Time passed and there was only one taco left- a fish taco with tofu and tartar sauce. Dib's face was under the smelly taco.

"Anymore tacos?" Cartman asked stuffed.

"Only the tofu fish and tartar sauce taco." Butters said. He was full too.

"Gross! Throw it out!" Butters got up to throw out the taco but Cartman interrupted him. "Oh and send a thank you to Serena, Suzee, Langdon and GIR Membrane." The platter was tossed away carelessly and the Membrane family portrait was seen and Dib's face was revealed from under the taco.

Soon after Cartman and Butters got a gift of tacos from the Membrane family, the constructing of the oil well was finished. A banner read, "Oil Application Day" was posted on the school. Many people from the town came to watch it. " This oil well is a dawn of a new era for Linglestown Jr. High where petrol dollars will fill our wildest educational dreams. These young minds will enjoy every achedemic advantage until they head to Central Dauphin High School, which has no oil well." Principal Goodvibes said.

"We have an air hockey table!" A ninth grade girl name Tsunami Yokosama, Suzee's best friend with shoulder length blue hair yelled out.

"Yes whatever. Now to turn on our oil well for the very first time; our top student, Langdon Membrane." Principal Goodvibes said. At this Jhonen and Lenore yelled in a moan, "_Bighead"_

"My head's not big!" Langdon yelled as he turned on the oil well. The well shook and only a drop came out. Everyone looked on in astonishment.

"There's no pressure! Someone else must have tapped this well!" An oil technian came running out and said.

"Count Coco Fang!" Bill yelled and jumped through the crowd looking for him.


	5. Cartman's Innocent Victoms

See previous disclaimers in previous chapters okay?

Cartman and Butters were at the oil well that he built to steal Linglestown jr. High's oil. "Soon that mighty apparatus will burst forth with its precious fluid. Almost sexual isn't it?" Cartman said greedily waving his fingers in a Mr. Burnsish way.

"Yeah whatever sir. This is wrong." Butters pouted.

"Oil ho!" One of the workers said as Cartman went "Hazahhh!" Oil spouted out of the well like a whale and flew all the way to Dib's house where Suzee was eating a bag of Cheetos with Stitch in her tree house. The oil crashed into it and destroyed it. Suzee fell a height of 10 feet onto her left wrist Stitch was under a pile of oil soaked wood moaning. GIR looked out the window and screamed for Serena. "Serene! Suzee!" GIR yelled as Serena looked out the window. "Holy Shih Tsu!" She and Dib took Stitch to veterinary clinic where Lilo worked. "Lilo it's me Dib!" Stitch got injured!"

"Don't forget about Suzee!" Langdon yelled and Pleakley came out dressed as a girl with a hat with a red cross on it. "I can't believe it! Cartman is a big big doodiehead!" Everyone stared at him. "Well he is."

"We all knew that. He dressed like me to try and take the school's oil well. Now we have none. We're just as hopeless as before." Suzee said.

"Don't talk like that Suzee." Pleakley said as Lilo appeared and Stitch came out in a wheel-about and a cone collar.

"Well Dib you'll be happy to know I won't kill you for this. Stitch is okay and should be fine in a few weeks. But how dare you! I let you look after him because Langdon and Suzee liked him and he could help you defeat the Irken empire! You're lucky this was Cartman's fault!" Lilo said angrily. She grew to look like her sister Nani.

"Lilo, Dib's daughter's wrist is broken. I don't think he'd let that happen." Pleakley said as Nelson and his parrot came out. "Ha Ha!" Nelson said "wock Ha Ha wock!" his parrot repeated and Stitch growled at them.

"The next day at school Principal Goodvibes called an assembly to talk to the school about what happened. "I'm afraid we have no legal recourse against Cartman and his slant drilling operation. The oil belongs to whoever pumped it first." Principal Goodvibes said.

"What about all the expensive stuff we wanted? Can we still have it?" Groundskeeper Willie said.

"No! Principal Goodvibes said as Willie tore his overalls and yelled "Blast!" "In fact to pay for the construction, operation and demolition of the oil well we will elimate paranormal investigation, music and matinace." Principal Goodvibes said.

"Damn!" Bill said.

"I'll kill that Eric Cartman! And wound that Butters!" Groundskeeper Willie said. Later that day Bill called Langdon to tell him the news. "Oh that's awful Bill! Oh Cartman, he runs the nuclear power plant and the university. Yeah I'd like to settle his hash too." he hung up the phone. "Dad how can you work for Cartman?"

"He's not all bad. He did send this nice thank you card." Dib said.

"Serena, Suzee, Langdon and GIR. Dad this doesn't have your name on it." Langdon said.

Dib's eyes filled with rage "Kids will you get out of here please?" Dib said as Suzee and Langdon ran out. "F-------------------K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Dear Lord that's the loudest profanity I ever heard!" DD said in his research labs across town.

Eddy's bar was right next to the oil well. It was a dank place normally but the oil well's fumes were making it worse. Comedy Central was playing on the TV with old Mind Of Mencia reruns on. Eddy's usual drunks including Dusty and Ed were sitting around in the bar getting loaded off the fumes.

"These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure I'm all dizzy and nauseous but where's the inflated sense of self esteem?" Dusty said as Ed passed out.

"Hey if you guys are getting loaded off them fumes I'm going to have to charge ya." Eddy said as 2 health inspectors came in in suits to filter the air.

"Men alive! There are men alive in here!" the guy said.

"I'm dectating over 20 different toxins in the air." The lady said as Dusty burped and the scale went off the charts.

"Alright everyone out! As long as Cartman is pumping oil this bar is closed." The man said.

"Damn Cartman. Let me get one thing." Eddy said pulling out a rifle.

"Me too." Dusty said pulling out a tiny gun. "Ahhhhhh. There's the inflated sense of self esteem!"

Later that night Professor Membrane was sleeping in the Harrisburg Retirement Castle. Dib sent him there after he became too much to handle, and frankly he was annoying. The oil caused a sinkhole right under the retirement home where Professor Membrane and his assistant and best friend Simmons lived. Frankly Professor Membrane hated this. His rival, Professor Utonium lived there too. Professor Membrane just couldn't up Professor Utonium's chemical x and powerpuff girls. All he had was a non-activated PEG and Super Toast. The ground started to shake and he hopped out of bed and into a doorway yelling "Earthquake!" and the home fell into the sinkhole.

"Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!" Was heard from the various residents.

"Well I have to move in with Dib now." Professor Membrane said.


	6. Cartman's Evil Plan

Well you know the deals by now, the characters aren't mine. Matt Groning's Who Shot Mr. Burns is the deal behind this, see summary.

Butters looked over the city with his binoculars. Eddy's bar was boarded up, the school was broke and the retirement home was in a sinkhole. Butters had to speak up. "You certainly vanquished all your enemies, the Jr. High, local tavern and the retirement home. You must be very proud. "Butters said sarcastically as Cartman tried to stuff more money in his already stuffed wallet. Piles of money were all around the office from the sale of the oil.

"Not as long as my biggest nemesis provides our customers with free light heat and energy. I mean the sun. "Cartman said as he brought up a model of the town. "Since the dawn of time man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing, blocking it out!"

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters yelled in shock, but Cartman just went on. "Imagine it Butters, electrical lights and heaters running all day long!" Cartman laughed psychopathically.

"But sir every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The town's sundial will be useless. I will have no part of this plan mister! It's too evil!" Butters said.

"What? There has been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your work Butters and you will fall into line! Whatever whatever I do what I want!" Cartman said to Butters.

Butters fought with himself to either feebly go along with Cartman or say something against it. He decided to speak up. "No. No Eric I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity mister or there'll be heck to pay."

"Whatever whatever I do what I want! You're fired Butters!" Cartman said

"Oh hamburgers." Butters pouted and left as Cartman started to laugh evilly. He went on a stomping rampage on the model town. "Take that ABC Lanes! Take that Turkey Hill! Take that Harrisburg University!" once he noticed he stomped on his own University, he got mad. "Oh goddamnit!"

The news of Cartman's plan to block out the sun was reported to the Patriot News by Cartman himself. In Dib's kitchen it was being read while Serena was doing the dishes. Serena had read the article and was discussing her opinion of it. "Cartman is being awfully rude. He's selfish even." Suzee and Langdon came in and Suzee rolled her eyes at her mother's too polite attitude.

"Mom get real. Cartman needs some serious busta fazoo right Dad?" Suzee asked to the person behind the "Cartman Plans Sunshine Halt" paper. "Dad… Dad… DIB!!!!!!!" and she pulled the paper down to reveal not Dib but Professor Membrane.

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!****"** Suzee and Langdon yelled in shock.

"Sorry grandpa but for a second, it looked like Dad had melted." Langdon said in an attempt to apologize.

"Well get used to it cuz I'm living here now grandson. I'm not going back to the home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole! Professor Membrane said irate. Serena then came over with two bowls of tuna.

"Tuna for GIR and tuna for grandpa." Serena said as Professor Membrane rolled his eyes and whispered, "I'm not your grandpa hussy." Then he started to whine, "I want a bib too…"

"Hey anyone see dad lately?" Suzee asked.

Dib was driving his Mercedes-Benz along with a disturbed insanity in his eyes. It was like the one he had when no on believed him about Zim, even though the proof was in front of their face. The fact that Cartman didn't know his name was driving him nuts. While he was driving, imaginary Cartmans popped in the car.

"Butters who is this pointy hair?" Then another popped up and added, "Bighead?" then another "Nutty Freak?" then another "Dumbass?" yet another one popped up, "Membrane jr.?" and one last one did, "Trench coated fool?" This drove Dib so insane he yelled "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" The all the imaginary Cartmans yelled, "Watch were you're going dumbass!" and Dib skidded along into the security gate and destroyed it. "Just a minute…..**URRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPP!**" The security guard, Barney Gumble said drunk as he burped.

Dib took a duffle bag from his trunk and snuck into Cartman's office. The years of stalking Zim made him excellent at sneaking into places. Once in Cartman's office he started to spray paint in bright blue "I am Dib Membrane" on the wall as an effort to get him to remember his name. The light was turned on and Cartman came in "Who the hell are you?"

Dib contorted his face in raw anger and ran over to Cartman. It was obvious to anyone who was doing it, even if Dib wasn't spray painting his name. His pointy hair that came down in many peaks to the ground made him well know and easily identifiable, even without his big head. "Dib Membrane! Dib Membrane! My name is Dib Membrane!" He said doing the only thing he could to shock an 876 pound man, punching him. Cartman was yelling garbled "What the fuck? Will you stop punching me! Who is this scrawny twig beating me?" This made Dib stop as the security guards dragged him off. "You're dead Cartman! Oh you're dead! You're a dead man Cartman!"

Meanwhile Professor Membrane was unpacking his things including his old Smithen Wessen handgun. "The lamp's running away." He said as he noticed Stitch in his wheel- about. Stitch herd the lamp comment and growled at him.

"That's Stitch man!" Suzee yelled in anger.

"So long lamp." Professor Membrane said dimwitted. "Now help your grandfather unpack granddaughter." Suzee found the gun and smiled. "That's my ol' Smithen Wessen. If you're gonna play with it be careful, it's loaded."

Serena came into the room and noticed Suzee with a gun. She was not going to let her 14-year-old daughter play with guns especially when she was unpredictable in behavior. "Aggggh! Suzee put that down! Guns are dangerous and I won't have them in this house!" Serena said taking it.

"How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came in the door?!" Professor Membrane yelled at Serena. He was older; he thought no one could tell him what to do.

"I don't care. We don't have guns in this house." Serena said to him.

"What about Dad's Irken death rays he took from Zim and the laser guns?" Suzee sassed.

"Those are different. Your father needs them to fight alien invaders. The Irkens might attack again."Serena said as Stitch rolled his eyes. He knew they wouldn't. "I'm going to bury it in the backyard where no one can get to it!"

"You should have fired into the air granddaughter! She would have run off!" Professor Membrane yelled at Suzee.

A few days later a town meeting was called. Mayor, the former mayor of Townsville, was at the podium. Harrisburg was in an uproar. "People settle down! I know you're all upset about Cartman's mean plan to block out the sun. It is time for action. I have in my hands a polite but firm letter to Cartman's underlings who will pass it to him or give him the gist of it." Mayor said.

"That's stupid!!!!!!!!!' Suzee yelled. Butters, Principal Goodvibes, Eddy and Dusty were stroking guns. Miss Bellum saw this and went to the mayor.

"Uhhhhhh sir a lot of people are stroking guns." She said in her usual way of being annoyed at Mayor's ignorance.

"Oh my! Well seeing as a lot of you are stroking guns, I'll step aside and open up the floor." Mayor laughed embarrassed.

"And he got elected mayor HOW?" Dib said to Serena who shrugged at him with GIR on her lap.


	7. Stroking Shot Guns

I don't own the non-OC characters okay? Special kudos to those who can figure out which show Toast and Father Time are from.

Butters was moping at the town meeting. No matter how he tormented him, Cartman was the one who he trusted. He believed everything Cartman told him and that Cartman liked him. Why would he have asked him to help or told him all those things he did if he wasn't a friend. However par t of him told him that Cartman couldn't be swayed and he didn't listen to that and lost his job and friend, even if he wasn't treated like one. At the opportunity to speak, he stood up and told a little of his story, "Cartman was the closest thing I had to a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!"

"My word!" Dr. Hibbert said in shock as he heard Butter's story

"It's not so bad; I never miss an episode of Mind of Mencia." Butters said pitifully trying to make the best out of the bad situation he had. Groundskeeper Willy then stood up and looked at everyone with shifty eyes.

"Cartman cost me me grounds keeping job at the school. I'm too superstious to take the one at the cemetery"

Professor Membrane then stood up and told his story. Having aged from a great and famous professor to a senile old fool in a retirement home took a lot of his dignity from him. He stood up and feebly told his tale, "Because of Cartman I lost my room at the retirement home, my stuff and my old awards and…" this next thing he lost. "My buddy and old assistant's old collection of nudie girl magazines."

"You bastard!" Simmons yelled. Dib and Serena and the rest of Harrisburg looked on embarrassed and confused. They didn't expect elderly old men to be so perverted and angry, but Professor Membrane and Simmons were no ordinary old men.

Eddy was riled up so he then hopped up angered to say what he felt that he needed to. He stood with his rifle in his hands saying, "I lost my bar!"

In response to this Dusty called out his reason for wanting to hunt down Eric Cartman. Losing Eddy's bar was like losing a best friend, "I lost his bar!"

Langdon meanwhile was outraged at the loss of the paranormal department at his school and the loss of many other functions the school had that would benefit his education. All these things were lost due to Cartman's greed. "His greed robbed the school of the paranormal investigation department! I really wanted that too!"

"He robbed the school of finical security!" Principal Goodvibes said weakly.

"He robbed the school of my paranormal teaching skills!" Bill said "Or it could have been Count Coco Fang!"

"Oh give it up." Dib sighed "He can't remember my name! Even though I stand out in a crowd thanks to my unique hair." Dib then yelled annoyed.



"He's causing this whole town to yell!" Serena said as she was getting mad at the peace that was disturbed. Meanwhile GIR was just sitting on her lap yelling "TACOS!!"

Suzee then stood up and yelled, "Look at what he did to my best friend!" The people of Harrisburg knew who her best friend was. The people looked from Suzee to Tsunami Yokosama, Suzee's best friend who was sitting in between her parents Brawnly and Roxanne. They looked up in confusion and noticed everyone in town looking at Tsunami. She was eating a bag of Cheesy Poof carefree until all they eyes of the town fell on her. "Huh? What? Suzee why is everyone staring?" Cartman's plans had little impact on her.

"No you dolts! God damn. Anyway, I was meaning Stitch!" Suzee sighed as she rolled her eyes in annoyance. Stitch then came in in the wheel-about that Lilo put him in when she treated him for the injuries he received when Cartman turned on the oil well. Suzee walked up to him and in a rare display of care, she sat on her black buckled boots and hugged Stitch. The wheels squeaked and the door to town hall opened to reveal obscured light behind the voluminous form of Eric Cartman,

"Those wheels seem to be squeaking a little bit…perhaps I could sell him a little oil?" Cartman said with a snake like venom in his voice.

"You twisted fat monster!" Suzee yelled as she ran up to Cartman ignoring her broken wrist.

"I'm not fat!" Cartman yelled as he unveiled a gun. "Anyway, I've decided to protect myself. Especially after the time I was attacked in my office by an unidentified big headed assailant." At this sight of the gun Suzee backed off but Dib went "D'oh" after Cartman forgot his name again. The whole town now rose to face him and all of the town could give him a piece of their minds.

"Cartman, your scurvy actions will earn you a one way ticket to the bone yard!" Kisame said like a pirate.

"I'd like to hear from Itachi mon!" Grim said standing up.

"I'll see to it that Cartman suffers the full extent of Hell's Grim Tyrant." Itachi said as he awakened his Mangykou Sharingan.

"Yeah!" Kevin said in agreement.

Cartman just stood back and laughed at their foolishness. He even had a tear in his eyes from laughing at the fact that no one would stop him now. " Oh sure you all talk big but do you have the guts to stop me?" The people of Harrisburg just looked away mumbling to themselves. It was true what Cartman said. Not a single soul in Harrisburg had the guts to go up against him. He was the wealthiest man in town second only to the Membrane family wealth, but this was a marginal difference. "Thought so. I have another question for you; have any of you ever seen the sun set at 3pm?"

"Once while I was sailing around the-" Kisame started but cut him off.

"Can it tuna face! Take one last look at the sun Harrisburg!" Cartman laughed as he walked out of town hall. The power for the streetlights came on.



The townspeople just stared on in shocked silence at the scene that went on before them. Meanwhile Tobi, who noticed it go dark but paid no attention, drove up to town hall in his happy yet stupid way. "Hello Sempais! Tobi's been in Reno for 6 weeks! Did I miss anything?" Tobi asked but saw the people's looks and got quiet. "Tobi is a good boy…" he whimpered.

"Eternal darkness, that's just fucking great." Kenny said sarcastically but muffled due to his parka.

"Listen someone has to get that Cartman. Oh where's a death wielding lowlife when you need it?" Apu sighed.

"Sorry, I was in the can mon." Grim said.

Cartman walked along the city in awe of his success. "Mine! Oh yeah! This town is bathed in the glow of my energy!" He said as he started to eat Cheesy Poofs and watch the town's lights turn on. Meanwhile the townspeople filed out and went their separate ways. A few stragglers were left attending to other things in city hall. Cleveland Brown was walking out he noticed Butter's jacket left on the seat. "That's odd. That Stoch boy left his jacket behind."

Kevin was also late to leave the meeting as well. When he was walking out when he noticed Principal Goodvibes's mother. "That's odd, that dork Goodvibes left his mother behind."

Serena was putting GIR in the car when she noticed that she was alone. "That's odd… where's Dib and Suzee and Langdon and Grandpa? I just hope his gun is still buried in the yard." But what she didn't know is that it was dug up.

"After all these years things are finally going my way." Cartman said as he walked into the shadows. "Oh it's you what are you so happy about?" Cartman paused in shock. "I see. I think you better drop it! Drop it!" Then a struggle was heard. "Get your hands off you stupid hippie!" This was the last thing said when a gunshot was heard. He started to struggle out to Harrisburg's graphitized sundial.

"Where is everyone?" Serena said as she walked in the parking lot away from the car in front of Town Hall. She turned when she heard a shot to find Cartman struggling out.

He then walked by Toast who just stood there and said, "Whoa man are you like okay?"

"Not going to dignify that with a response hippie." And Cartman collapsed on the sundial pointing to two letters on it. Because of Cartman's weight, a thud was heard that brought all of Harrisburg over to the sundial with looks of amazement. Cartman had been proven wrong. Someone in Harrisburg had stood up to him.

"Cartman has been shot." Gaz said monotonously but was shocked inside that a bullet to get through Cartman's fat.

"Wait this isn't Cartman at all! It's a mask!" Chief Father Time said as he walked up to the body. Then he fiddled with Cartman's face and found it to be real. "Sorry about that; his face looks a lot like a mask due to the fat."



"I don't think we'll ever know who did this; everyone in town's a suspect." Serena said looking to DD who looked to Dib and so on with the rest of the town.

"Well I couldn't possibly solve this mystery can you?" Dr. Hibbert said with his laughing at inappropriate times. Then he pointed to Father Time.

"Sure. I guess so I mean it is my job." Chief Father Time said.

**A/N: This is the end of part one! Can you guess which show Toast and Father Time is from? Well they are from the old toon Histeria! Remember to review and keep guessing. Send them to me and I'll tell you if they're right. Keep an eye out for part 2 where the shooter is revealed! The end……**


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